Short, Thick, and Ribbed for Pleasure

This post is rated G, for Gross. [In all seriousness, it is R rated as it discusses sex; please read with caution]

This is your average cucumber.

Juicy, wet, with beads of glistening sweat.

Refreshing.

Cucumbers come in a variety of different shapes and sizes.

There’s the English cucumber, specifically designed to be seedless.

Long and lean with that extra special tip on the end.

Kirby cucumbers that look like pickles before they’re pickled.

Short and thick with ribbed edges, ready to soak in some juices to get that extra salty kick.

As a snack to crunch or in a salad or paired with your favorite dip, cucumbers are a light, low-calorie food loved by many.  Inexpensive and versatile, they can be used in many different recipes.

However, like all foods, there are many things one should not do with his cucumbers.

Never, ever, put your cucumber in jello.  Just.  Please don’t.

Furthermore, as food, cucumbers should be eaten like all other foods–through one’s mouth.  A cucumber should enter the human’s oral cavity, aka, one’s mouth, be chewed, swallowed, and digested to later come out of the human’s anal cavity, aka, one’s butt, with all other waste products later.

This is basic biology, everyone.

Once again, this is a cucumber.  A food.  It goes in your mouth.

As an openly gay man, I hear your snickers already.

I mean, it, along with its friend the banana and occasional eggplant, is often seen in terrible teen shows during the sex ed class were the teacher awkwardly tries to show how to put on a condom.

And, I can be a little understanding.  For those who are super curious or anxious or perfectionists who want to practice a lot, it is certainly easier to ask your parent to pick up a cucumber than, say, a dildo, from your local market.

And I am a firm believer in safe sex.  Use condoms, kids.  And practice on all the cucumbers you want to.  But please, let it go no further than that.

Because let’s face it.  Eventually, one day, the inevitable will happen.  If you stick something where it doesn’t belong, it’s going to get stuck.  Or broken.  Or broken and then stuck.  And you’re going to have to figure out while trying not to panic who to call.  The ER?  Your parent?  Your girlfriend who has no idea you’ve been considering that you might not be totally straight after all?  Your best friend in hopes you’ll be able to look at each other normally the next day?  Your boss who you know is gay and therefore probably “sees this kind of thing all the time, so it’s not a big deal, right?  Right?”

Wrong.

Do not call your boss who you know is gay expecting him to be totally used to seeing cucumbers up a guy’s ass.

Especially if your boss is me.

“Why are you writing this, Seokjin?” you may be asking yourself.  Why share this incredibly disturbing and detailed description of an event that surely scarred you?  Why pass this along, possibly scarring anyone who comes across it?

Because.

You need to know.

Ladies and gentlemen, today’s recipe is this:

This is a cucumber.

It goes in your mouth to be eaten.  Please–just–please.  Eat your veggies, kids.

And wear a condom!

In all seriousness, here are some recipes for how to use and eat cucumbers.