Lick Me ‘til Ice Cream

Let’s discuss things that should never be mixed.  Mint and chocolate.  Vegetables with the bedroom.  Terrifying, nightmare-producing animatronics and pizza.

Anyone with any experience in the kitchen will tell you certain tastes simply do not go together, either.  In decoration, interior designers will tell you what colors clash.  In fashion, designers will tell you what patterns don’t go together except when mixing them is “bold” and “ingenious.”  Whether something is aesthetic pleasing or not is usually pretty apparent.

So people, in general, should know that some things just don’t work well for a restaurant.  A fancy sit-down place doesn’t offer you soda, for example, and a fast-food place doesn’t serve wine.  The list of “no-go’s” in the food industry are expansive, and today I would like to add another one to the list.

Scaring your customers, unless your intention is to have the food you so lovingly prepared and served thrown back on your face or dropped on your feet, is never okay.

I had the opportunity to visit a new ice cream place in the mall the other day called Udderly Delicious Creamery, and while I am the biggest fan of puns, I must first start off by saying that, unless your cow is animated, udders are actually disgusting.  Have you ever seen an udder?  In case you haven’t, here.

Now, tell me, are you hungry for ice cream now?  I think not.  Just look at those hairs!  I, for one, when I’m licking, do not like hairs getting stuck in my mouth.

The name didn’t turn me off completely, though.  I have heard cheesier things and still wanted to have a bite.  When testing an ice cream parlor’s goods, I always stick to vanilla.  Vanilla is the plainest flavor, and thus you can tell if the quality and taste is good or not.  I got it in a waffle cone, and I proceeded to sit down to eat it after spending $4.18.

The ice cream was creamy and vanilla-y.  It wasn’t grainy, and it wasn’t sickeningly sweet, and until I started to get distracted, it was a good consistency, not too hard, not too runny.  The price for the amount was a bit much, but one joy of eating ice cream out is the experience, I guess.  At least, I thought it was, except then, out of nowhere, one of my worst nightmares came true.

As everyone is, I am deathly afraid of cows.  Cows kill more people than sharks do, after all, and their innocent looking faces are such a lie, I can’t stand the sight of them.  And this cow, unlike those you might see in a field, was standing up.  He was even taller than me.  This cow had come to fight me, and I wasn’t about to let it win.

Letting out my mightiest yell, I succeeded in scaring the monster away, only to have it return moments later.  This time, it had brought a peace offering.  Coupons for my next visit.  Coupons?  I couldn’t be bought so easily.  But the cow would not give up its newly established territory so easily.  It kept popping up like an annoying politician, trying to win me over with napkins and words I couldn’t understand because I don’t speak cow.

Only when my ice cream was finished did I retreat.  The victory went to the cow that day, but considering it existed only to make delicious milk to turn into the ice cream I had just consumed, I suppose, in a way, I was the real victor.  

For making me lick until I screamed, I give Udderly Delicious Creamery four out of five licks.  I recommend you visit soon.  Though, be on you guard.  From what I have heard, the cows are not amused, so you better get a move on before they beef up security.

Udderly Delicious Creamery Review:

Decor: 🍦🍦🍦🍦 Four licks (the mall is noisy and the overall setting looks cheap)

Price:🍦🍦🍦🍦 Four licks (all ice cream is too expensive when buying out)

Service: 🍦 One lick (get away, you cow man)

Taste: 🍦🍦🍦🍦 Four licks (their waffle cones were delicious)

Name:🍦 One lick (udderly disgusting, more like it)